No April's Fool

I didn’t oversleep on Sunday. At least, not for the 6AM job. The 3PM job, not so good (my nap runneth over).

I went to a reading yesterday, because I’d randomly picked up a flyer in class and saw that the guy reading teaches for the one MFA program that hasn’t rejected me. The reading was great, and I enjoyed his responses to the questions in the Q&A session that followed—his vision for what creative writing should be about is closely aligned with my own. I bought a couple of his books and had him sign them, and mentioned to him that I’m on the wait list at Antioch. I said it would be nice to work with him in the future. Later in the evening, after a frustrating attempt to write at the coffeeshop, I went home, ate some sashimi with the little lady (who has reached an agreement in the terms for the purchase of a nice condo not too far from campus—Congratulations!), and decided to try to go to some other coffeeshop to try to work. Our default “other coffeeshop” is the espresso way out in the boonies, near where scrilla lives. But we weren’t sure if we wanted to go so far, and the little lady suggested Aroma instead. My favorite non-Espresso Royale cafe in town (sometimes my favorite cafe, period), it seemed like the right choice. We settled in to get to work and before an hour had passed, the Author from the reading came in through the back door with the woman who’d presumably invited him, with whom I’d taken two writing classes in one semester, and who had written one of my recommendations letters for grad school. “Go say hi to him,” she told me. “He’s friendly.” So I went and talked with him a bit longer, fumbling to explain that I strongly agreed with his philosophies and admired his dedication to the art. He was well-versed in the golden rule of being a good conversationalist: ask people about themselves. When I finally returned to my seat, I felt like I’d probably seemed a bit retarded. Hopefully he didn’t think so.

Nevertheless, I couldn’t help but feel that there was something fortuitous in meeting the man. My short-sightedness would suggest that I met him so that he can help me on my wait-list situation at the low-residency program. While I’ve come to strongly believe that there are no real “coincidences”, I’ve also learned that when the universe conspires, it’s better not to try to guess what the purpose is or what the outcomes will be.

Unless, of course, we are sufficiently caffeinated:

  • You can jump start your car without cables.
  • You answer the door before people knock.
  • Your eyes stay open even when you sneeze.
  • You can type sixty words per minute—with your feet.
  • Instant coffee takes too long to make.
  • You don’t sweat… you percolate.
  • You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it’s not plugged in.
  • Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
  • The Taster’s Choice couple wants to adopt you.
  • When someone asks ‘How are you?’ you say, ‘Good to the last drop.’
  • You don’t even wait for the water to boil anymore.
  • You don’t get mad, you get steamed.
  • You don’t tan, you roast.
  • You introduce your spouse as your coffee mate.
  • You think CPR stands for Coffee Provides Resuscitation.
  • Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.
  • You take your morning coffee into the shower with you.

Finally, something from Esti:

This manifesto of moderation brought to you by me, Wolf Halton

Greetings to the Imprisoned Citizens of the United States. We are Unitarian Jihad. There is only God, unless there is more than one God. The vote of our God subcommittee is 10-8 in favor of one God, with two abstentions. Brother Flaming Sword of Moderation noted the possibility of there being no God at all, and his objection was noted with love by the secretary.

Greetings to the Imprisoned Citizens of the United States! Too long has your attention been waylaid by the bright baubles of extremist thought. Too long have fundamentalist yahoos of all religions made your head hurt. Too long have you been buffeted by angry people who think that God talks to them.

People of the United States, why is everyone yelling at you??? Whatever happened to … you know, everything? Why is the news dominated by nutballs saying that the Ten Commandments have to be tattooed inside the eyelids of every American, or that Allah has told them to kill Americans in order to rid the world of Satan, or that Yahweh has instructed them to go live wherever they feel like, or that Shiva thinks bombing mosques is a great idea? Sister Immaculate Dagger of Peace notes for the record that we mean no disrespect to Jews, Muslims, Christians or Hindus. Referred back to the committee of the whole for further discussion.

We are Unitarian Jihad. We are everywhere. We have not been born again, nor have we sworn a blood oath. We do not think that God cares what we read, what we eat or whom we sleep with.

Beware! Unless you people shut up and begin acting like grown-ups with brains enough to understand the difference between political belief and personal faith, the Unitarian Jihad will begin a series of terrorist-like actions. We will take over television studios, kidnap so-called commentators and broadcast calm, well-reasoned discussions of the issues of the day. We will not try for “balance” by hiring fruitcakes; we will try for balance by hiring non-ideologues who have carefully thought through the issues.

We are Unitarian Jihad, and our motto is: “Sincerity is not enough.” We have heard from enough sincere people to last a lifetime already. Just because you believe it’s true doesn’t make it true. Just because your motives are pure doesn’t mean you are not doing harm. Get a dog, or comfort someone in a nursing home, or just feed the birds in the park. Play basketball. Lighten up. The world is not out to get you, except in the sense that the world is out to get everyone.

Brother Gatling Gun of Patience notes that he’s pretty sure the world is out to get him because everyone laughs when he says he is a Unitarian. There were murmurs of assent around the room, and someone suggested that we buy some Congress members and really stick it to the Baptists. But this was deemed against Revolutionary Principles, and Brother Gatling Gun of Patience was remanded to the Sunday Flowers and Banners committee.

People of the United States! We are Unitarian Jihad! We can strike without warning. Pockets of reasonableness and harmony will appear as if from nowhere! Nice people will run the government again! There will be coffee and cookies in the Gandhi Room after the revolution.

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One Response to No April's Fool

  1. Concrete Box says:

    that’s like a gaint, three part, mega post! thank you…I felt the need for an extended bathroom break at work and, well I couldn’t find my copy of the Doublemuse booklet, so I printed off this blog post and enjoyed it in the crapper…I hope that doesn’t offend, it’s where my best reading is done.

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